003 - Wait, What? - Reinvention of Women
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Nicole: [00:00:00] Welcome back to wait,
Carissa: what?
Nicole: Today we are discussing women and the reinvention of women in their forties or late thirties, um, going through divorce or changing careers, um, [00:01:00] how women navigate that and find theirselves again.
some of my friends locally here who, you know, have been thinking on divorcing their partner, um, and they're staying for their kids. Um, they're gonna, you know, they feel like it's too detrimental in their kids and that they're gonna stay in, in an unhealthy marriage.
And, you know, that, that's, that's, I, I respect their decision. Of course. Um, but if there's a lot of fighting and arguing going on, even undercutting and demeaning, um, by your spouse and your, and your children are bearing witness to that, um, they're gonna pick up, um, beliefs. Attitudes and ways of being in this world that are rooted in what they have seen as children.
Carissa: As much as they don't
Nicole: want it to be, it will. So, you know, my fear was like, I don't want my son to grow up and, um, sort of have [00:02:00] this general disrespect toward women, um, and, and not be able to see their value because their father, um, in my opinion, um, would put that out there into the world. Um, and then when as my daughter was maturing it, it pushed me even harder and it motivated me more because I did not want my daughter to be trapped in a marriage where she felt she couldn't get out.
I just didn't want that for her. Um, and that this is normal. But this is what we do as women. I know. We, we clean the house, we take care of the family. Um, we take the kids to, which is
Carissa: all fine.
Nicole: No, it's great. Like we do a lot. All I'm saying as women, we do a lot. Yes. And I, and it's
Carissa: much more than that.
Nicole: I think that's why there's this, um, loneliness, epidemic trend we're hearing about from men.
Men are kind of complaining, in my opinion, [00:03:00] like. We're lonely. Right. And um, totally. It's not because there's, there's this one theory that it's because all the women go for the top 10% of men, you know, the good lucky. Where's that? Mostly, like these statistics are coming from dating sites. No,
Carissa: I'm
Nicole: saying like, are they, where's the 10%?
Right. And so men are kind of sitting there and whining and like. Well, I'm not, you know, they're too picky. They're too picky. They don't want just like a, a good guy that, that has maybe more of an average type job. Um, and whose looks aren't, you know,
Carissa: which has totally shifted because I don't know, in New Orleans, women will go out with anyone.
There's no men. Well,
Nicole: it has shifted and that's the thing. Women are choosing to be single. Yes. Because who wants to, um, have two jobs Right. With somebody who's not being held accountable.
Carissa: Yes. 'cause that is another entire traumatizing [00:04:00] job. So, um, didn't you have a statistic about it's like, I
Nicole: think it's, I don't 60, it's about 65% of divorces today are being initiated by women.
Um, so I just think that in our society to today, it's. We have an environment, um, where women can be independent and single now.
Carissa: Yes. You know, we can, especially, we can
Nicole: have credit cards, we can have, um, jobs that will support us. Um, we, a lot of us have gone to college and we're educated so we can do that for ourselves.
Um,
Carissa: and, and a lot of the reasons we weren't are sometimes because of the control factor. Yeah.
Nicole: So I mean, I, I, I feel like there, and, and I've seen statistics that are showing like in the future, but you know,
Carissa: by like
Nicole: whatever date Yeah. It's like 2030, like, [00:05:00] well, there's gonna be like a lot,
Carissa: a lot, like only like 40% of the population will be married or something like that.
It's very low.
Nicole: Or like, maybe even
Carissa: less
Nicole: age is like 22 to like 45. They were showing like, um. People just are choosing to be single and, and not married. And I'm hearing that from my daughter. I mean, she's, um, she's 16. My daughter too, they're the same age. She tells me, I don't, I don't wanna get married and I don't wanna have kids.
Nicole: and now being like single on my own and living alone. Um, so I've experienced this over like a pretty long period of time. Decent. Yeah. Yeah. What I've noticed in myself is that I've, um, become more confident in who I am more independent. I've learned how to do things that I didn't know how to do, and I wouldn't have even tried to do them because I just didn't have to, I didn't have to try to fix the toilet.
No. He
Carissa: would call somebody or,
Nicole: or, or the garbage disposal. But it's like I, I've taken it upon myself to, which is
Carissa: so awesome. Nicole has done so much in her house. [00:06:00] She's like, mis fix it. That could be another spinoff from, wait, what? Nicole fixes it.
Nicole: I fix things, but I also like creating, so just as fashion, you create outfits and put like fabrics together, um, and
Carissa: your bedroom came out amazing.
Um,
Nicole: and colors together. It, it really falls in line with, um, interior design, you know, the same fashion and art. It's kind of, you know, colors and what looks good together, proportion, um, different textures and how, how you can play that up. Um, so, well I
Carissa: wish that I could do that all day long, but
Nicole: I've, I've taken so much joy in creating my own space
Carissa: and it's so pretty and serene and it doesn't look like you hired an, an interior decorator that came with a, you know.
Nicole: And part of it is like the satisfaction of doing it yourself. Yeah. And, and having a vision and then going out and sort of like [00:07:00] figuring out like, well, you know, I need like a chase lounge here, be on this wall. And then finding it. Or the mirror. Or the mirror and like how tall, how bit wide it needs to be.
Um, that is so like, so satisfying for me. I know. Because you feel like you, it's
Carissa: a, an accomplishment
Nicole: really. And it's, you feel good about yourself and you also like have this sort of reflection of who you are in your home. Right. And it's, and it's all you. You don't have to ask somebody like, um, I, I have
Carissa: gender neutral bedding in your bedroom.
Nicole: Oh, I totally turned my bedroom into a girl's bedroom. I
Carissa: know her bedroom. Oh my gosh. It's so great. It's what any adult female would want. It's like she, I, I go to her house and I go up in her room. She was outta town. I was watering her plants. I love it so much that I made the bed like all pretty, I took about 20 minutes playing with her pillows.
I mean, she's got all the colors. Beautiful wallpaper. [00:08:00] She picked out beautiful comforters that, you know that, but Well,
Nicole: yeah, I mean, I, I like duvet. It's a duvet. I, I like all that idea. I wasn't sure like how other people would, um, receive it, you know? Um, but yeah, everybody's been like, oh, that's. It's beautiful, you know?
I'm like, and
Carissa: it's also the way that you kind of just, we would be out and you would look for something and that would be it, and it would work. You know? Yeah. That's a talent. That's great. And it fulfills your creativity and Yeah. And whatever part of the brain makes you think that you accomplish something.
And
Nicole: all these experiences sort of build your sense of self, I think. Yes. So, I mean, that's just one example. Another, and being
Carissa: comfortable at home,
Nicole: right. By yourself, feeling. Like your home, right. And not worrying about that door opening. Um, and, and slamming the front door like your, your or every
Carissa: sigh that you
Nicole: hear, oh gosh, the sign, the sighing man, that is such a passive aggressive form [00:09:00] of communication and being
Carissa: like, what's
Nicole: wrong?
What's wrong? Oh, and being feeling on eggshells and just hearing the sigh in the other room and you're going, oh no, the mood has changed.
Carissa: And you know how you were talking about when they go around you or like around the island and like barely brush you? You're like, Ugh, there's a definite, there's a word now for that.
Oh, really? Yeah. And it's not like disgusting. I get this thing called word of the day. 'cause I'm trying to expand my vocabulary since I've been mm-hmm. Down and, um. I can't remember any of them right now, but one of them was the, and I was like, oh my God, you, you, this is, this so fitting. I screenshotted, but I lost my phone.
You should have, you should
Nicole: have like, you should have somehow memorized it
Carissa: and then dropped I and not even listened to how you pronounce it, so I could tell you.
Nicole: And then you should have just casually dropped it in, in conversation. I know. And I would've been like, oh, that's, that's the whole
Carissa: point. What
Nicole: does that mean?
Like, yeah.
Carissa: And then that, that's a [00:10:00] whole other thing. Well, in North Carolina, actually I looked into this, um, months ago. Someone told me that, um. There were all of these rules in place and there's like a list of 10 things if your spouse does to you, like, which is awful, that we have to go through the 10 things and pick five of the 10, but it's like emotional abuse.
Um, if they were using cheating drugs or alcohol, infidelity, whatever. So if you had like a few out of those, um, you get extra alimony and child support. I was like, I didn't Wow.
Nicole: Yeah. By the time I divorced, I was just, I, I just wanted out. I wanted it to be done and I really didn't wanna engage in any sort of like, um, like, um, bargaining
Carissa: any negotiation. Yeah. Not you can have it. [00:11:00]
Nicole: Yeah. I, I already know where that leads. I understand. I don't want to go there with this person. Um, and in my opinion, and he would've drug that out forever. Yeah. And in my mind, I, I realized, I'm like, money, it comes and goes, oh yeah. Money is, like, it's always flowing in and out.
Carissa: Oh, And that's another thing in Louisiana, you can say, um, I don't know where I work and I don't know what I make. Right. And that's fine. That's what they say. Okay, well we're gonna assume that you make minimum wage.
Yeah. Which they're not. No.
Nicole: Yeah. So there's definitely been laws to, um, like constrict women, I think. And keep them terrible. Keep them in in order,
Carissa: keep 'em in line,
Nicole: keep 'em in places that aren't maybe the best situations. Right. No, and we obviously are not those type of
Carissa: women. [00:12:00]
Nicole: No. I, I come from, um, like my grandmother, she was very outspoken.
Um, and she worked Eastern
Carissa: European,
Nicole: no, it's my other side, my dad's side. And she actually worked for a battered women's like, um, hotline shelter. Oh, a hotline. So she would take calls and stuff and, um. Yeah. She, she wouldn't take any, like, any crap from anybody. So, I mean, you know, I was raised and then my mom and, and and her side of course.
Carissa: But I mean, your mom and your dad never had any issues in life as married. Couple me. You have a lot of stuff together. Well, we should probably not talk about that, do
Nicole: you? I don't think they do stuff together, but they've, they've made it work. I mean, all marriages are, are different. And if it, how Yeah, if if it works for you, then it works for you.
Yeah. I'm all
Carissa: about that. Look, if you wanna sleep outside on the roof at night and I'll sleep in our room, I'm okay with that. Yeah. [00:13:00] Also, I am also okay with leaving everything behind. I've had to do it so many times now. Yeah. Yeah. And start over. I want my own new toaster juicer. I don't want anything that you.
Used or touched
Nicole: anything that you touched.
Carissa: I was about to say memory, but we don't make any memories anyway, so I do all the work and Yeah, and I mean,
Nicole: yeah. So, so you can really like find the love that you've been or trying to be put into like your, your, um, partner and then it's not working. You put that back into yourself.
Yes. And you re I'm learning, you reap, um, a lot more rewards, yeah. That are long lasting and not temporary. Um,
Carissa: Nicole lives around the corner from her ex-husband. I think I already said this because I, I have never heard of a person say [00:14:00] that and have it work.
Nicole: I mean, we, we made it work. There's bumps in the road for sure.
You know, there's another
Carissa: direction you can go to, right? Like driving. Oh, geo like, no, the, well, logistically
Nicole: for him, he would always come out the that way because of course. Well, I mean, of course. And that's, I mean, that's, it's the easiest way. That's the way you go. Yeah. Um, yeah. So I would see him occasionally.
Um, I used to, sorry, I'm man heating so much. I used to have sort of a response to seeing him, but that's gone like it. You do heal and gone. How long did that
Carissa: take?
Nicole: I don't know, because I can't tell you the date that it happened. It's just, I feel
Carissa: like
Nicole: it's gradual. It's gradual. And over time, it must
Carissa: have been right before you and I met eight years ago.
Because he was still kind of getting to you. But I think it was more because of the kids. You didn't care so much about him. When the kids are young,
Nicole: it's hard. Yeah. Because you're still having to, um. By middle ground. Mm-hmm. You know, you have to agree [00:15:00] on pickups and um, you know, they bring their stuff over to the
Carissa: And leave it.
Yeah.
Nicole: And I,
Carissa: and it's stuff that you bought?
Nicole: I was always fine. 'cause I understand kids are kids and they're gonna wear their clothes. Oh. I was never mad
Carissa: at my kids either.
Nicole: I do, I do remember my kids like gathering all their belongings that belong. Well, dad bought these for Right. I'm like, okay, well that's fine, that's fine.
It just creates some, I prefer it that way. Some work for, for us to find all your items that your dad bought. Like
Carissa: what You bold, M or d?
Nicole: I was just kind of like, it's their clothes now. Like they can leave 'em there.
Carissa: Well, I wouldn't have had a problem with it except I dressed my children. Like they were out of a catalog.
Yeah.
Nicole: But when they're little.
Carissa: When they're little, yeah. And then
Nicole: they grow up and,
Carissa: and yeah. You're like, whatever. You're responsible for your stuff. Yeah. But I would get so angry when they would go with their dad and like, I had just bought Chloe these bloomers that were embroidered with the ariel and [00:16:00] blah, blah, blah, and they're gone.
And, or like a dress that she wore that was special, you know? Yeah. I mean, and they're, it's gone. And Yeah. But then they send back all of like, the stained, nasty stuff. Um,
Nicole: or they just, the kids, I could see it being a problem. Like my kids would leave, you know, a lot of their clothes at my house and then Glenn would get frustrated because he'd be like, they don't have any clean t-shirts 'cause they're all over your house.
It's like, okay. Yeah, I get that. Oh
Carissa: yeah, I get that too.
Nicole: Um, but, you know, overall, I, I just try to keep it like, like baseline. Not I'm gonna Yeah. Ask for much. Like, this is just. We don't communicate well, so let's just not do it. We're gonna keep that at a minimum. Um, and over the years, you know, you, you change and you know, emotions die down and
Carissa: people move on with other relationships.
Nicole: Yeah. Yeah. So, um, and other
Carissa: families,
Nicole: it's true. That's true. They do. I don't, I don't [00:17:00] see myself doing that anytime soon. Like, I don't know that that's the best path for me. I
Carissa: think that I had a nightmare about that last night.
Nicole: Oh gosh.
Carissa: I really think I did. I really think because right before I went to sleep, I was watching something about a sugar daddy in the Hamptons, I don't know, with this young girl.
And when I went to sleep, I had a dream that I remarried someone
Nicole: with little kids,
Carissa: no, that was like a super sugar daddy, like beautiful home in the h Hamptons and loved all my kids. My kids loved him. And he said. I want some more babies. No. And I actually went for it. Yes. Wait, what? In the dream? No,
Nicole: you
Carissa: can't.
No. That wouldn't happen in life. In
Nicole: your, even in your dream.
Carissa: But it's scary that even in my dream that I said yes to that, I don't think we can at 47 years old, we, I don't
Nicole: even think it's
Carissa: po I mean, well, it is. My great grand grandmother had her 11th child at [00:18:00] 50. No,
Nicole: no. I don't want the choice. True story.
That's just too much. 11th, you're changing diapers like no
Carissa: C-sections.
Nicole: That's just like, like homesteading.
Carissa: That's just barbaric.
Nicole: Yeah. Um, so that part I think I, I've, I've, you know, lived that part of my life. Right.
Carissa: And that's another thing, like, do you ever feel I. You know, like, sad that like for instance, like I have the kids that are your age and I also have the little girls.
Mm-hmm. Do you ever feel like, oh, I wish I had another, no, no, no. I actually kind of like, I saw a baby, a newborn baby. No, because I
Nicole: understand what it is. Yeah. It's sleepless nights and, you know, snotty noses and it's like, I haven't slept in 21 years. Yeah, there you go. That, that right there. Um, and when you're raising little kids, [00:19:00] babies, you're, that's what you're doing.
Your identity's, mom.
Carissa: Yes. I have no idea. I'm, this is starting to break out for me to have my own identity. Please. Subscribe, share, like, comment, all of those things. Free me. Give me an identity.
Nicole: So, yeah, I mean that's, I think that's what, like the joy of sort of being at this stage of life is like, so much has opened up again,
Carissa: which is so again, another thing that you and I are opposite, which I would love to go, Nicole said, come over, sleep over here.
I'm like, you have no idea how much I would love to do that. I know.
Nicole: And you're like, oh, the girls. Yeah. I
Carissa: can't leave the girls. I, I just can't.
Nicole: So I plan, I'm, I'm planning currently in my next trip, I'm going to vomit.
Carissa: I've been to Wrightsville Beach in the past five years. Go
Nicole: ahead. So, um, next [00:20:00] month is what?
At the end of the month? Um, I'm taking Audrey to, to Greece.
Carissa: Oh my God. I thought you were gonna say it was something I wouldn't care about. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Italy, Greece, I'm down. Bring me wherever. Ugh. I almost could have married a great guy. He actually lives in Charlotte and still single now. You know, my problem with picking man.
Nicole: Well, you don't know. He could be having his hard times.
Carissa: I don't know. He's very wealthy and very handsome. Oh. And one of my friends that lives in Charlotte called me and she was like, oh my gosh, guess who's on the news? And I was like, why? And she was like, because he's so good looking and wealthy. Right. And his No, it was actually because his shopping malls Oh, that he owns.
Nicole: Okay. You messed up.
Carissa: Yeah, he sh well, he's still there. [00:21:00] Um, the shop. Just kidding. Um, the shopping malls that he owns, malls, he also owns an olive oil company out of Greece. And he, they imported here, but. She was like, yeah, his, they're wanting to widen the roads and take part of his land for the shopping centers.
Mm-hmm. And that's why he was on the news, not because he was arrested or, oh, that's good. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, wow. That's promising.
Nicole: Yeah. That sounds like a good catch
Carissa: catch. Well, no, because he's never been married and he's 50
Nicole: years old. Yeah. That is a red flag I've learned. And
Carissa: he is the only boy in a Greek family.
Nicole: I have learned certain things being single, um, that I didn't learn in my twenties, like, and no
Carissa: one told
Nicole: us, well, everybody learned because every, everybody was dating in their twenties. I met, I met my ex-husband.
Carissa: Oh, y'all have been together. I
Nicole: met my ex-husband at 18. Oh, I [00:22:00] didn't, I didn't date. I had to learn, I had to learn.
Big mistake. Huge. Um,
Carissa: but you have your children. Well, I just had to learn, like, that's the nice thing to say when you really wanna say you really made a mistake. You say, but you have your children.
Nicole: Yeah. We, we just didn't, we weren't compatible. I mean, he, he seems happy now with the lady he's with, and I'm glad for him.
Carissa: Yeah. We hope the best for all of them. Especially because it extracts them away from us. I mean, just,
Nicole: I, I would hope that he could find happiness.
Carissa: Yeah. I, I want everyone to be happy. I just want you to do the right thing and leave me alone. Yeah. I mean, that's it. I mean, but anyway, so, oh, so the judge from North Carolina saved me, yeah.
From this terrible divorce and I was [00:23:00] actually. I was on bedrest. No, that was another time, but, um, she gave me, no, it was a couple of years later, we were still arguing over custody. Isn't that,
Nicole: isn't, isn't that delightful? That like this stuff drags on.
Carissa: Yeah. I had already gotten married and gotten pregnant with my husband and I'm still going to court over the divorce and the custody.
They
Nicole: like, yeah. Disorder, toxic people like to use the court system to, um Oh yeah. Punish you and, and, and, and drain you of all funds. All funds your money, but not only your money, um, just your like. Like your, your mental wellbeing of like having to deal with that, not having stress. Right. And then, um, not having to deal with a disordered, toxic person that's targeting you.
Yeah. That's not fun in court. No.
Carissa: Especially when you're pregnant. Um, and it looks like, oh gosh, she just [00:24:00] got divorced and she's pregnant. Yeah. But anyway, um, I was pregnant and on bed rest and I was the first case in New Orleans history that, um, was awarded sole custody of my children without being in court.
Wow. It's kind of like falling through the ceiling from the attic and living.
Nicole: Which is literal. Mm-hmm. For you, it's not a figurative saying. Mm-hmm.
Carissa: But you know what I'm saying? But, um, yeah, I do oh, before I forget, my son, um, an internship for a non-profit. And I don't wanna mention the name in case they are not interested in me talking about it, but he told me last night, he was like, listen to this.
So he's in Dallas and they have all of [00:25:00] these huge corporations. In fact, when I was working in and out of Dallas about 17 years ago, they were the, um, state that had the most home offices for like Fortune 500 companies. Mm-hmm. Can you believe that? Dallas? Yeah. Oh. So I couldn't, so I was like, really? And um.
He said, we have all of these programs for people that are in abusive mm-hmm. Relationships and have to take off in the middle of the night. Right. And he's like, but we can't let the public know because then we would run out of all of our resources. But we also have to find a way
Nicole: to let the people who need them find out.
Carissa: Yes. And I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so stressed out. Why did you call me and tell me about your internship? I was in bed. So he said that, um, what they did was [00:26:00] they go to like all of these networking events with these giant corporations, which maybe you should come down to Dallas with me next weekend.
Oh no. You'll be in Grace. I'm in Dallas sweating. In a concrete jungle, I'll be sweating in Greece. Oh my gosh. Please. Anyway, so
Nicole: that's the one, that's the other thing that has happened to me, like, oh, travel being single and, and, and just, um, living my life, you know,
Carissa: like
Nicole: according
Carissa: to Nicole's rules, which is sounds simple, but it's like winning the lottery.
Yeah. Kind of.
Nicole: I mean, so here's the thing. I never got to travel because I, I married, I was with so young, with my ex so young, and, um, he, he kind of took the reins in pretty much everything. Um mm-hmm. I didn't have a lot of input. Right. And, um, his [00:27:00] idea was that we would go to the same places every year.
Carissa: Oh, I love that.
The yearly trip to Daytona Beach. Well, yeah. I mean with airbrush T-shirts.
Nicole: So we went to Disneyland every year. Which
Carissa: gets old. Um, I cannot say a Disney world. I've never been to Disneyland, but Disney World, it did not
Nicole: feel like a vacation. No, I'm gonna say that It did not feel like a vacation. No.
Carissa: It's like 12 hours a day of dealing with your kids and running.
Yeah, you're
Nicole: walking around, they're complaining. They need naps. They're hungry. You have to spend like $30 for a soda. I mean, it's just outrageous, like the cost of going to Disneyland.
Carissa: One of my friends just went with his family after COVID thinking it was gonna be like a good deal. But they eliminated the meal plans and he spent, he's got three kids, $800 a day on food and beverages.
I mean,
Nicole: yeah,
Carissa: you can, I can, you don't get anything from the store. I couldn't believe that store. You don't get a snow white plushy.
Nicole: Yeah. It's, um, [00:28:00] you're going to eat
Carissa: dinner tonight
Nicole: and, and, and then add on top of that whole experience that we described driving down to LA from, um, the Bay Area. So that's like, at least like a six hour car drive in a minivan with screaming kids.
And it has been, we don't get along. So,
Carissa: um, I didn't, gosh, I can so feel that right now. I, I
Nicole: wouldn't really look forward to that one so much as our second vacation was always to Kauai. Oh. Which was nice. Well, that's
Carissa: much better. And
Nicole: I, I love Kauai with
Carissa: the kids. Yeah.
Nicole: Always. Yeah. But that was much more relaxing.
I don't think I've ever
Carissa: been on a trip without my kids, with any of my husbands.
Nicole: Yeah,
Carissa: never.
Nicole: It's, it's something that I started doing now that I'm on my own and middle age. And
Carissa: when did you decide to start doing that? I don't really remember.
Nicole: Um, I, I, I think I've been doing it like since I divorced Glenn.
Um, but I, I was going, you
Carissa: started small.
Nicole: I'd be going to California a [00:29:00] lot to see my family because, um, it was hard. I, I don't, I didn't have a lot of friends here. I mean, at the time, it is
Carissa: hard here if you're going through something like that. It is hard. Yeah.
Nicole: It's a big transition. And, um, yeah, it's just in all ways, it's a big transition, a big change.
So having that f like. Familiar place to go in California
Carissa: made it, it made me feel comforting,
Nicole: like, okay, I remember who I am. Right, right, right. Um, my family's here, they know who I am. Right. I can be me. It was just nice. Like I can just, um, and I would take, you know, go see them at holidays. I take my kids snowboarding.
Um, I've always
Carissa: took No, you've always done stuff. Yeah. I've always, but this Bali, but no. Costa Rica. Well, I
Nicole: don't have my kids with me now. Right. I mean, they're like growns. Right. So now I'm like, well, where do I wanna go? This time I'm taking Audrey, so
Carissa: I know. I'm glad. That's a, I'm excited. A great mommy daughter.
Nicole: She, she's excited, she picked Grace, so, I mean, I Oh, she picked it. Yeah. I mean, I've always wanted to go, so. Oh, me too. I told her I'm open [00:30:00] because I haven't been like,
Carissa: maybe y'all won't come back.
If you do that, I'm coming. 'cause my passport just came in the mail a couple of days
Nicole: ago. I'm ready. My, I was on the phone with my mom yesterday and she made the comment, um, I'm con, you know what if you can't give up back in, 'cause we were talking about
Carissa: like the whole,
Nicole: like how laws are, like rules are changing and we're make, you know, the real
Carissa: ID thing, it's
Nicole: quick, quickly happening and um, people get detained and like right questioned or whatever.
Um, and I thought about it for a second and I'm like, I, I, I actually kind of hope. That I would get you. No, and that I would have to stay in Greece. You, I'm sorry ma'am. We can't let you back into the United States. We be like, peace. I'm like, oh, okay. Um, I'm, I'm not crying. I'm not crying right now. Um, yeah.
And you can
Carissa: even have all my luggage. Yeah.
Nicole: Byebye. Yeah. We'll start over here.
Carissa: Oh my gosh. I dream of living in Italy. Like, just like in the movie. [00:31:00] I've never been to Italy like Mama
Nicole: Mia.
Carissa: No. That's Grace.
Nicole: Yeah, that's Grace. That's what I'm saying. Oh,
Carissa: I was saying I would love to live in Italy. Oh, the talented Mr.
Ripley. Oh, okay. Such a great backdrop for like your dream place to live. Like you jump on your little boat. Well.
Nicole: Not me,
Carissa: but you walk around the cobblestone little mm-hmm.
Nicole: Everything is just so, um, charming. Like Yeah. In your, in Europe. I love it. And it stays that
Carissa: way.
Nicole: I love Europe. Like it's just, I feel like my soul belongs in there.
Carissa: Oh, she's also been to England, Paris, I mean, yeah, I've been there. Paris, what was that trip and where else we went? London and Paris. Yeah. Yeah. London and Paris. And she got a very expensive bag in Paris. Got to go shopping. Yeah, that was
Nicole: very nice. Live through
Carissa: Nicole. That's gonna be a new Oh. Mantra.
Live Frank.
Nicole: Be like, what would Jesus do? But like, like what
Carissa: would [00:32:00] Nicole, where would Nicole go? Oh yeah. Kind of like I'm into that. I'm writing that down right now. Where would Nicole go? Where do you guys wanna go?
Nicole: Could we make like, um, bracelets that say like, like where WW and GW.
Carissa: WW and G I'm on it.
Yeah, you can buy those online at our website. No, just kidding. Just kidding. Um
Nicole: but you, yeah, travel helps facilitate like your own discovery of who you are. I
Carissa: love travel and
Nicole: like, you know, I felt so comfortable in Paris. Like, people are like, oh, um, that's where you got your bag. People are so, yeah.
People are so rude. They're like, did you like France? I'm like, I, I can't even explain.
Carissa: France is like New Orleans, so I'm sure that, I mean, Paris,
Nicole: I can't even explain like how comfortable I felt there. Like I just, everybody is well dressed [00:33:00] like anytime of the day. Well, right. If you're, if you're out in public, like you, you, you're
Carissa: completely done up.
Nicole: I mean, you don't have like, not necessarily done up, but like, just like
Carissa: very
Nicole: nice, casually like well tailored. Like
Carissa: that's what I mean.
Nicole: Yeah. And you, they just look like they exude the sort of. Um, coolness
Carissa: and like taste and Where would Nicole go?
Nicole: Everywhere. I'm going everywhere and, and, but everywhere where I go, I kind of find a little bit more of who I am. Right.
Carissa: Okay. So if any of our viewers have family, kind of like Chevy Chase in the European vacation, if you have family, um, on the other side of the pond and cool places, and maybe they're handsome men, whatever.
You wanna tell us? Where should, where would Nicole go? Email us or drop a comment, but it's info at, wait, what Carrie?
Nicole: Yeah, the answer. You gonna be
Carissa: [00:34:00] podcast.org, like Siberia, like give us some places. We'll go send her to, because I just got my passport and now she's not allowed to go without me.
Nicole: It's like, where in the world is Carmen San Diego?
Carissa: Oh, I love that game when I was little. That's like,
Nicole: let's
Carissa: do that with you. Let's, next time we're gonna have a screen and there's going to be a tiny Nicole. Can I wear
Nicole: the red like trench coat?
Carissa: Yeah. Whatever you want, girl. Okay. You're Nicole. You get to go where you want, you get to buy what you want. You get to decorate what you want.
Talk to who you want. I cannot imagine having the choice of who I talk to, free
Nicole: freedom is like there's no, there's no, it's priceless. There's no co like, gosh, I
Carissa: hear Janice Joplin in the background for some reason. Like when you said freedom. Oh yeah, yeah. Like we, I just wanna be liberated.
Nicole: Yeah, well, living alone will do that.
And, and you know, and it's so not sad. No. Like, that's the thing. I [00:35:00] felt like, oh gosh, I'm alone. And I was sad for a while and then I started getting comfortable in it, and then I was like, and it's so good. And then I'm like, no, I like my company. And, um, I don't really want to hang out, like with just anybody.
Carissa: I don't wanna feel guilty that I got, um, DoorDash from two separate. Restaurants, I don't care. Like, oh, I do that sometimes and eat the whole thing of ice cream and Yeah. And not have somebody be like, did you eat the whole
Nicole: court?
Carissa: And I talk to myself a little bit.
Nicole: Oh, I do that.
Carissa: Yeah. Yeah. I'm not embarrassed, but, um, what was I gonna say about living?
Oh, for all of you who are going through a divorce and it's really tough right now, and you just started doing the custody thing, I wanna tell you that it gets better. She knows it gets better.
But anyway, I wanna tell the divorcees out there, men or women that I literally cried for three to six months mm-hmm. On the weekends that my kids left, I walked around, felt [00:36:00] sorry for myself.
Mm-hmm. 'cause my house was big and empty. Or even if it's little and empty mm-hmm. You walk by their rooms, you know, you're, you're romanticizing what they're doing with their father, which is actually nothing because. They're not
Nicole: doing anything. No. Yeah.
Carissa: So then a, after those, like, I would say three to six, maybe nine months.
Some people it takes 'em a year depending on how long, like if you had a good marriage, I didn't. So,
Nicole: but I think it also depends on like how long this divorce goes on, because I don't really feel like you get peace until it's done. And, and even then you're, I'm gonna, I'm gonna warn, warn these women out out there.
Yeah. That um, even when the divorce is finalized, you're still interacting with, um, the children, whether it's drop off or, um,
Carissa: or when they have a concert at school Yeah. Or they're like
Nicole: baseball games or gymnastics or whatever it is, you're gonna see this person and they [00:37:00] sometimes, a lot of times will, um, just try to antagonize,
Carissa: like when my ex-husband would put his chair on the sideline of the soccer game.
Not on the other team side, but all the way down, isolated by himself at 8:00 AM with beer and scream at the refs.
Nicole: No, that and
Carissa: scream at my children. That's
Nicole: kind of embarrassing.
Carissa: I mean, I would be like, I don't, I don't know. That's why I don't care about anything now. I don't. I don't know this person because of all of these crazy people.
I don't care what you think about me, I'm fine with myself because look what I've seen. Ugh. And you're still here.
You're still here. Like my doctor said, I just don't understand how you're still here. Yes. He said I was atheist. He said I was a man of [00:38:00] science.
Nicole: No,
Carissa: no. And your chart, he said
Nicole: your chart has like, no,
Carissa: this man walked up to me when I was in the emergency room after I had been in the hospital for two months.
And he is like, I saw your name and I just wanted to come over and, and see you because who, who is
Nicole: this person?
Carissa: He was not a man of God. Okay. Right. Not Christian. He's obviously a doctor.
He's also a Darn, what? You know Darwin? Well,
Nicole: I mean, no. 'cause there's a lot of doctors that are like religious, um
Carissa: Oh tons. But I understand where he was coming from. Right, right. Yeah. He goes until you, he's 65 years old, by the way. He said, until I met you. I did not believe in a higher power. I did not believe in God, but there is no reason that you should be here and you look so good and normal.
I was like, thanks are you. And my daughter was there, so it was great for her to see [00:39:00] that, you know? Wow. But he said I was going to open the door. You were? I was obviously, I was on life support, full organ failure. And, um, there was nothing they could do. So they had waited, waited, done three surgeries, whatever.
So he said it was five of us in the room. I was walking and he said, I'm gonna go tell the family because y'all are all young. I've been through this a lot. I'll go tell the husband to bring the kids. Mm-hmm. So he goes, as I'm walking towards the door, I hear something and they're like, what? And it's me flailing on the bed.
Bed. Okay. It took five men to hold me down and, um, all of my organs started functioning at, 'cause I was peepee. So they knew that everything was going. It's a go and it was a miracle. And [00:40:00] they're like, you should, I'm 50% of 1% of the people that live in this world that have ever gotten this
Nicole: and lived
Carissa: and lived.
Have I won the lottery? No. No. Well, well, the lottery of life. Yeah. You're still here. Yay. And on my third disability attorney, stop. Yeah. Because no one's ever had this. We don't know what this is, ma'am. We don't understand why you can't function.
Nicole: Wait. I'm like, well, they don't know how to code it into their like paper.
Yeah. There's
Carissa: no code for it.
Nicole: Right. So that makes the paperwork impossible for them. But last
Carissa: year they had a co, they came out with a new code. Rebecca, my doctor told me. That says history of necrotizing flesh outs. Oh,
Nicole: interesting.
Carissa: So isn't that so It's, it's progress. It's coming. And I'm gonna be the person that puts it in,
Nicole: in, on the face of it.
Right. [00:41:00] We should make you the face of it, which I'm so excited about.
Carissa: If there's anything I wish for when I was a little girl, it was to be the face of flesh eating
Nicole: bacteria
Carissa: of a flesh eating bacteria for all of you. Profit and benefit from,
Nicole: I can just see your face on some, like, like this, some like, like Office magazine, you know, the, the like Throwaway magazine.
Oh, I
Carissa: wasn't one of those magazines. Yeah.
Nicole: Like the cover though. For, for, for and
Carissa: so many people called and said, I was at the doctor and I saw your magazine article. Oh really? It was because I'm one mompreneur of the year and it was a may issue of the New Orleans Living magazine. Oh. But it had
Nicole: nothing to do with
Carissa: No.
And um.
Nicole: I guess what we kind of have discussed is just that, um,
Carissa: how unlucky I am.
Nicole: We
Carissa: touched on that. Oh, no. About how it gets better.
We touched on that. How, how it gets better. It does.
Nicole: It does. And if you, you know, [00:42:00] so if you choose to, and also like, you know, getting, getting whole, like going through and processing like what you've been through.
Carissa: Once again, I don't know what processing means. You know, I don't have time
Nicole: to know. You go, go to therapy and discuss things and work on it and maybe discover like some roots of why, you know, you do what you do.
You've made some decisions in your life, um, working on yourself. Um, yeah, it can really improve.
Carissa: Well, I would hope that I would, um, get more information about that. But my therapist usually stands up. She's, 'cause I've talked so much and I have so much more to talk about. Mm-hmm. She'll just kind of stand and be like, okay, great, it's over.
So I'll see you next week. Yeah. I'm like, really?
Nicole: Yeah, it's over.
Carissa: I just
Nicole: got started. I'm just gonna kick you out. Yeah. So, but there's hope out there. Yeah. And um, if you have any stories to share Yes. About maybe stuff you've gone through or maybe you're in that situation now, [00:43:00] leave us a comment and let us know.
Um, it's always good to support women Oh, absolute. And what they're going through.
Carissa: And that's part of this show. No negative, no negative comments about anyone, anything men included.
Nicole: No Men. We've already done, we've already talked about Bow men. Oh, well,
Carissa: sorry. Yeah. I had the best of intentions,
Nicole: but, but we're trying, um, we're
Carissa: really trying.
Sorry guys.
Nicole: But yeah. So there's like
Carissa: 1% of you that would fit into the nice sky category. Handsome man. Nice. And. Independent and with no mental illness. No, I don't know. Or addiction.
Nicole: Yeah, right. Sure. You're talking like mythology now,
Carissa: right?
Nicole: Yeah.
Carissa: Um, but I wanted to tell you, I can't remember if it was six to nine months or a year.
I finally stopped crying and then Stella got her groove back. It was on. Yeah, it's
Nicole: weird. 'cause once [00:44:00] that sort of, um, dark cloud blows away, you, you just like, for me it's weird 'cause it's like one day I'm in it and then the next day I wake up and I'm like, she, it's gonna be a good day. Right. And, and I've actually had the thought of that and gone, what was that?
Wait, where did, what, where did that thought yesterday
Carissa: We were like having a nervous breakdown at
Nicole: Target and that, and like my brain just said that and I was like, wow, that's outta character. I, I
Carissa: feel like that lately too. Like if I'm having the most horrific day, I am like, okay, it's seven, I'm gonna go to sleep.
'cause I know tomorrow it's gonna be better. And usually it it's right. It's like Annie the sun will come out tomorrow. Yeah.
Nicole: Yeah. My mom always would say that to me. Oh, sorry. No, no, not she would say, you know, the sunshine will come out again.
Carissa: Well, in Louisiana we say this too. Show pass.
Nicole: Yeah, it's true. It's true.
It does. And if you can stick with it and choose the right things. Oh, I'm so tired. If you can choose the right things to remain single work [00:45:00] on yourself. I've been trying so hard, um, and not get remarried.
Carissa: Oh, that's so hard for me.
Nicole: That's why the therapy's needed. 'cause it's like, why are you thinking so much therapy? Why are you thinking of yourself as just a wife? Right. Right. I
Carissa: mean, that's great. And I had businesses. I mean, it was successful, but Yeah. I, I don't know myself other than a wife and mom, which real bad. It's real bad.
Well,
Nicole: I mean a lot of women,
Carissa: that's why. Please support. Wait, what? The podcast with Carissa and Nicole so you can help me and help Nicole. Because if you help me, life is more tolerable for Nicole. For
Nicole: for me.
Carissa: Yeah. That's what I just said. For you, not me. All about Nicole. Where would Nicole go? , So after the, the weeping time was over, um, one of my best girlfriends calls me. She has no kids, no husband, and she always went after, um, very [00:46:00] wealthy.
Older gentleman
Nicole: that, that, that, that's a type.
Carissa: And she got home from yoga one day and the entire apartment was empty and she was living in Miami. Hmm. And even her car was gone that she bought, she,
Nicole: she, she was dating somebody bad or what?
Carissa: Yeah. And he was, I don't know, who knows what goes on in Miami, I mean, and so poor thing, she had no car, so she was riding her bike to yoga class at 10:00 AM and some dude coming from Nikki Beach.
Mm-hmm. That had been blowing his mind up all night, actually hit her. Oh no. And another couple. Yeah. And she, they've all lived, but she called me and she's like, Hey, um. Now that you're single again and I'm in a full body cast, right? It's time to go out. No, she was actually like in a really, she had recuperated a lot.
Okay. And she's like, what do you think? Can I come st? [00:47:00] I'm like, come on girl. Let's do it. Yeah. And then from there, and then you
Nicole: start feeling better. Working out. All my friends
Carissa: started coming over again. Yeah. And even when I had the kids, they would go out and get drunk and come over and play like we, um, and like games with the kids.
It was so much fun. Actually, Chloe said that today, she was like, Ugh. Remember when all your friends would come over and they'd be drunk and they'd like dress up with us and play? I'm like, I do remember. And these are people I've known my whole life, not strangers. Okay. Yeah. But it does happen. And you know, then I set my butterfly free.
She left, she had other things. She's actually living in this, in New York City, in this amazing apartment, and they also have a farm in Connecticut. Wow. Yeah, she's doing well. So, um, she is like another, I can't even talk to her on the reg because I don't wanna hear
Nicole: [00:48:00] like me,
Carissa: like Yeah. Like if you didn't live here, I would not talk to you on the road.
Oh.
Nicole: Oh, wow. That's rude.
Carissa: Not because I feel obligated if we live like one mile away from each other, but because I just can't hear it anymore. I don't wanna hear about your penthouse apartment in the city. I don't wanna hear about your farm in Connecticut. Yeah. But I really do, and I really support all my girlfriends.
I am not a hater at all. I'm a promoter because I know if they're going, I'm falling. That's right. And if you're struggling, I'm pulling you up, girl. So I know that one day your friend is gonna need you or it's gonna be something that you see in your house that you've been letting go forever, and you just get motivated finally to start hacking away at it.
Nicole: Yeah,
Carissa: you start around. That was the best feeling and I think
Nicole: [00:49:00] after you go through that dark period of time being alone and on your own, you, you. You start to feel more resilient. Yeah. And trust yourself. Like I can go through hard things. Yeah. And I can make the right decisions. I
Carissa: felt not scared to be alone at all.
And even if
Nicole: you don't make the right decision and, and you make a mistake, you, you trust in yourself now that, that
Carissa: you'll bounce back better. That you're
Nicole: gonna be able to handle it. Yeah. That you can do this. Um, agree. A lot of women leave and they don't have that, they don't have that feeling. So. Yeah.
Carissa: Well, I had that feeling and I was super happy and I was living my best life and, um, but that then, but that came after I got remarried. Yeah.
Nicole: But that came after you divorced.
Carissa: Yeah. That's what I'm telling you ladies. Enjoy this time. Yeah, because it's, don't rush into
Nicole: like something new. No. Really get to know yourself and like, like build your own identity and keep that person
Carissa: if you do find them.
Keep your own life and like keep your own identity. Actually just FaceTime me and let me, or [00:50:00] even put him on speaker and if I hear his voice and what he says to you, I will know. That happened recently. I heard somebody's voice, never met the man, but I knew he was annoying and I knew he was like really not well versed in life skills or emotional iq it seemed.
And um, even at like age 50, he no clue about how things work in the world, in the legal system. Yeah. So, and then at 50 years old you're still saying, oh, I found, um, I found a record and I know it was your favorite record. Do you want it back? Or something crazy like that to draw you back into their
Nicole: Yeah.
Carissa: Tunnel.
Nicole: The web,
Carissa: the web of deception.
Nicole: Yeah. The hole in the ground.
Carissa: Um, wait. So, but anyway, don't get remarried. Okay. Ever enjoy that. [00:51:00] I would never look it, it's, it's a business agreement. Okay. You can have a spiritual anything ceremony. Yeah. I'm sorry, microphone. Um, you can do anything you want to celebrate this union.
Just don't sign the papers. So how do, and if you do get a prenup, tonight. We are going to
Nicole: RBF ,
Carissa: it's an authentic champagne bar in downtown Cary, and tonight they're having a Sicilian wine tasting, um, which we are so happy to be invited to and attend.
Nicole: And the owner, Tiffany, is a woman our age. Exactly. She created her own business
Carissa: out of, she was in the finance world and totally different total
Nicole: shift in life.
But she, she found her like herself. And what, like, what feeds her joy? Like what gives her passion? Right. I know.
Carissa: I, so I, [00:52:00] between Nicole and now I'm sure I can think of many other ladies. I'm sorry, but, and Tiffany, I mean, I admire you guys and I'm so happy for you because I, I know good things are gonna happen for people.
If you just have that,
Nicole: you have to have that, um. That feeling of like, it, it is already mine, right? Like this is my calling, right? Like, this is what I'm going to do in life. I see myself traveling, I see myself having this. I declare it.
Carissa: I'm like, yeah, I am. I don't know where I came up with this number, but the other day I was like, I'm gonna make $7 million this year.
Nicole: That's insane.
Carissa: But you know, Jim Carey wrote himself a million dollar check and he made a million dollars that year.
Nicole: So yeah, we're really excited to go to, um, RBF this evening. And, um, it's in
Carissa: downtown Kerry on Chatham. It's across the street from, um, the pizza place and
Nicole: sidebar.
Carissa: So, oh, sidebar, they have the best [00:53:00] grapefruit.
Nicole: Okay. But we're not talking about sidebar Okay.
Carissa: Cocktail.
Nicole: So, um, we'll, we'll have to, oh, maybe
Carissa: we can go get one after the wine. We
Nicole: might,
Carissa: I don't care.
Nicole: I,
Carissa: I'm, I'm my own agent. It's summertime in the, for the kids and that means they can sleep late and I can sleep late.
Nicole: That's true. That's true.
Carissa: So I'm gonna go to this wine tasting and not drink too much.
And then I'm gonna go to the sidebar with Nicole. Yeah. And drink as much as I want. 'cause I don't care. Don't get married.
Nicole: So join us next time for another Wait.
Carissa: What? [00:54:00]